Thursday, March 31, 2011

It's just different ...

The day is drawing near. The anniversary of what I consider one of the happiest days of my life.  Well what ended up being one of the happiest days of my life it certainly did not start out that way I was moody to say the very least.  When I finally got home from work I had this odd feeling that I needed to test, to take a home pregnancy test.  I followed the directions and much to my surprise in under 30 seconds I saw a big FAT positive ... it said PREGNANT!

OMG seriously?  What?  Huh?  NO WAY!  My DH and I had been open to the idea since November of 2009, so on April 5, 2010 as I sat on the toilet (classy huh?) I knew my life would forever be changed.  I was pregnant.  DH was at work for a certain company named after a fruit and wasn't expected home until after 9, so I had time to plan the announcement.  I had taken a picture of a bun in the oven and made it the background on his computer.  When he got home I asked him to show me how to do something on his computer, he opened it up saw the picture and had about the same response I had  - NO WAY?  Are you really?  He was grinning ear to ear, I couldn't help but cry I was so happy!

A few days later some family were in town so we were able to announce the news in person, just a little over 3w pregnant.  Things were good and wow were we blessed to have such an incredible support unit around us.  At 5w2d I had bleeding and went to the Doctors office where I had my first ultrasound.  And then just like that there she was, heart fluttering such a beautiful sight.  This was so real I had a living being in me, growing and depending on me for every need.  I was holding my breath the tech told me to breathe, everything was going to be just fine, the baby looked great!

At 6w3d I had my first official prenatal appointment.  The tech started the ultrasound and again there she was heart fluttering.  And then suddenly a pounding sound, strong and fast.  Our baby's heartbeat!!! Words just cannot describe.  I was speechless!  I had no clue I could love this baby anymore than I already did, but it was impossible not to!

We had one more appointment at 8w3d, the baby was still doing well strong heartbeat growing, we were beyond grateful.  And then somewhere between that appointment and 9w6d something went wrong.

We were out of town and I started having cramps and some bleeding.  I told my DH and we prayed together, but I knew in my heart something was very wrong.  I called the doctor the next day and was told to come in as soon as possible.  DH was at work and was not able to be with me, I was concerned but not too much, I had convinced myself that was happening was the same as the first time and would have the same positive outcome.  The tech started the scan, then suddenly that sound that horrible sound of static!  The doppler was trying to find my baby's heartbeat.  Suddenly I felt faint, I started sweating, I could not breathe.  The extreme anxiety that rushed over me, inexplainable.  Not once but five times that sweet girl tried to find my baby's heartbeat.  I wanted to yell at her to STOP!  I wanted off that table out of that room, to just RUN away!  I knew what she was doing, so I asked, "There is no heartbeat, is there?".  Bless her she had to tell me "No", that she tried but wasn't able to find a heartbeat.  Our baby had died.

I called my DH sobbing left alone in the ultrasound room.  He is my rock, he met me at the door when I came home held me and told me we could get through this and we would do it together.   The next day May 26, 2010 they took my Angel Baby from me.  The procedure was done as outpatient day surgery.  I remember nothing of it and felt no pain.  Dr. Yang came and met with us before hand and reminded us that "Healthy Babies don't die".  Truer words never spoken, that is why the first trimester is so critical.  This is when we find out if the baby with thrive or not.  Looking back I think about my response to people who asked "boy or girl?" I always responded the same way 'Healthy!'.  God answered my prayers, not in the way I had expected but in a way that I now understand.  Our baby wasn't healthy, healthy babies don't die.

When I got home for some reason I really felt that the worst was behind me, I prayed the worst was behind me but it wasn't.  As heart breaking and devastating it was for us to find out our baby had died the worst part was letting go and healing.  So on a beautiful sunny day in May I started the grieving process from the loss of my first baby.

It has been a long hard journey but I have found myself becoming stronger and more positive as the year has gone by.  What the future holds I have no clue.  I pray for good things but also know that no matter how much God loves us he also has to throw some bad our way. I now understand why they call it the 'miracle of life' and thank God for allowing me to fully appreciate the creation of his children.

I came across a poem today that explains in simple words exactly how I feel and what this process has been like for me ...

"You don't get over it, you just get through it. 
You don't get by it, because you can't get around it. 
It doesn't 'get better'; it just gets different. 
Everyday... Grief puts on a new face."   
-Wendy Feireisen

With our recent miscarriage this March we were deeply saddened with a second loss.  For 9 weeks we wished and prayed things would have a different more happy outcome.  Unfortunately this was not our time.  This loss brought forth a flood of memories.  Wounds I thought were healed and gone I now realize are scars.  A constant reminder of what we have been through and how far we have come. This loss was deemed a Blighted Ovum, we never saw a heart beat or saw the faintest flutter, something went wrong from the moment of conception.  So if you ask how I am doing and I look around and don't seem as upset as you think I should be. Please know I am heartbroken and I do cry, most everyday.
It's just.  It's just that this time it's different....

Jeremiah 1:5
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you"

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