Monday, June 13, 2011

"Good, better, best. Never let it rest. 'Till your good is better and your better is best!"

Wake up, take the dogs out, coffee, feed the dogs, shower, get ready, go to work, come home, let the dogs out, feed the dogs, clean the house, laundry, grocery store, let the dogs out, go to bed ... Lather, rinse, repeat.  This is what my life mainly consists of, I can guarantee that these are a constants in my life.  These are things I will do over and over and over again.  That is just how it is.  Occasionally (a lot more recently) I fit in new things like, paint a room, decorate, unpack boxes, organize new things in our home.  They shake things up a little make life a little different, exciting!  Sometimes they cause stress but I know these things are temporary and do my best to not let the stress over take me. 

But what about the things the come up in life that are devastating things that only one person controls our GOD the father?  The events we pray never happen in our lifetime because no one deserves to experience them not even our worst enemy.  For me when the events of losing babies and failed pregnancies have come up I have found a way to push through it and try again.  My DH has found a way to support me love me and push through the pain as well.  When our most recent baby died I opted for a natural miscarriage at home, and there he was by my side, tending to me for those long hours in the middle of the night while I had contractions.  I cannot even begin to explain to you how much this meant to me for him to be there by my side ... I am blessed!

Here is my question how do you push past three miscarried babies?  Five times in a little over a year I have happily gone to my DH and announced 'We are pregnant'.  And five times I had to see the pain on his face as I told him the pregnancy had failed or the tech has told us there is no longer a heartbeat.  I know there is hope we got our genetic testing results back and everything is great ... chromosomes GOOD, blood clotting panel GOOD, cystic fibrosis GOOD.  We are good to go on that front and for that I am grateful to GOD.  He has given us a chance we can do this. 

Ohh how I wish we could still go through life with those rose tinted glasses on.  To not know this pain this underlying fear.  To go into the idea of growing our family, having babies, with the happy thoughts of 'I'm pregnant and our baby WILL be here in 9 months'.  Instead we are forced to have this cautiously optimistic attitude.  The fear of loving our babies too soon, the "What if?' factor.  Life has changed my view on things when we find out we are pregnant.   After the first miscarriage I thought that once we had a scan and we saw the baby I would be okay that everything would be okay.  Our second baby proved that wrong, that baby stopped growing so early it never had a heartbeat.  So I re-evaluated how I would deal with it next time and came up with this check list of sorts first positive hpt, then two positive blood tests from the Dr office with rising levels, then a good viability scan, then a visual heartbeat, then an audible heartbeat.  This was my new check list this one would work how could I be disappointed if I stuck to this one, because the statistics say that only 1% of babies miscarry after a heartbeat is detected.  Unfortunately like our first baby our third became part of this statistic. 

The more times this happens the more I learn and the more I wish I knew nothing.  That I could forget what the doctors tell me and to be able to not be afraid.  To be able to not give up hope to not allow my faith in GOD to waiver.  To keep telling myself it's not a matter of if but a matter of when.  To remember to not let the fear of the unknown future effect my known present.  To be able to forget everything the tech told me, everything but the best part, "The only reason that people with your condition don't have babies is because they give up.  Just keep trying and one of them will work."  She is the expert, forget the rest and keep with the best ... "Good, better, best.  Never let it rest.  'Till your good is better and your better best."

Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust Him, and He will help you. Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for Him to act.
Psalm 37:5,7

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