Just when you think you have it all figured out GOD throws another curve ball at you. DH and I are still trying to get settled in, between the storms taking down trees, unpacking, and the never ending list of To Do's we have very little down time. It probably is a good thing though. Too much downtime leads to thinking, thinking leads to "What ifs?" and what ifs lead to "Why not me?" which ultimately leads to crying.
I had been putting off unpacking what is going to be the craft room. Boxes had over taken the room so I closed the door and forgot about it till this past weekend. I woke up early on Saturday ready to tackle the day to just take the plunge and get some of this stuff done. I put away board games, holiday decor, crafting stuff, extra linens and then in a box labeled 'BOOKS' I found some things I had really been avoiding, children's books. Books I had been collecting over the years, some even from my childhood, books that I had planned on reading to my child someday. I am not saying I won't read this to my future children, I just never thought when I saved the books from my Children's Lit. class, at the ripe age of 21, that I would be sitting in a room 11 years later without child to read the books.
I sat on the floor for a while holding a book my grandmother had given me as a child, 'The Christmas Collie", just thinking about when I was young and where I thought I would be in life at this age. And in all honesty I couldn't recall where I thought I would be I had never really gone past the age of 28 in my day dreams about the future. I figured by that age I would have had my two children, be married, teaching and living life. I guess one outta three isn't bad. I mean it could be worse, I could be married to a man who doesn't love and support me and what the best for me. The more I thought about it I remembered I actually have two out of three, so I picked up a book, "Olivia", and I read out loud. I read to my Angel Babies. It brought me a little bit of peace to my heart.
Before you go off thinking I am nuts I can promise you I won't do this everyday or possibly ever again. It was just nice to sit there and read a book to my babies. A nice little reminder that they are safe now not only with GOD but now with each other. I cherish the idea of meeting them someday. Being able to hold them and tell them how much I love them, but for now I will wait. I will go and meet with specialists, go to work, continue to work on the house, to love GOD, love my DH, and make my life here on earth the best one that I can. I mean seriously who would have thought something that sounds so special like a Heart Shaped uterus, could cause so much pain?
The reality of it all is that no matter what GOD throws my way I will wake up every day ready or not, face the world and put my pants one leg at a time.
“And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.” – Galatians 6:9
Monday, June 27, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
"Good, better, best. Never let it rest. 'Till your good is better and your better is best!"
Wake up, take the dogs out, coffee, feed the dogs, shower, get ready, go to work, come home, let the dogs out, feed the dogs, clean the house, laundry, grocery store, let the dogs out, go to bed ... Lather, rinse, repeat. This is what my life mainly consists of, I can guarantee that these are a constants in my life. These are things I will do over and over and over again. That is just how it is. Occasionally (a lot more recently) I fit in new things like, paint a room, decorate, unpack boxes, organize new things in our home. They shake things up a little make life a little different, exciting! Sometimes they cause stress but I know these things are temporary and do my best to not let the stress over take me.
But what about the things the come up in life that are devastating things that only one person controls our GOD the father? The events we pray never happen in our lifetime because no one deserves to experience them not even our worst enemy. For me when the events of losing babies and failed pregnancies have come up I have found a way to push through it and try again. My DH has found a way to support me love me and push through the pain as well. When our most recent baby died I opted for a natural miscarriage at home, and there he was by my side, tending to me for those long hours in the middle of the night while I had contractions. I cannot even begin to explain to you how much this meant to me for him to be there by my side ... I am blessed!
Here is my question how do you push past three miscarried babies? Five times in a little over a year I have happily gone to my DH and announced 'We are pregnant'. And five times I had to see the pain on his face as I told him the pregnancy had failed or the tech has told us there is no longer a heartbeat. I know there is hope we got our genetic testing results back and everything is great ... chromosomes GOOD, blood clotting panel GOOD, cystic fibrosis GOOD. We are good to go on that front and for that I am grateful to GOD. He has given us a chance we can do this.
Ohh how I wish we could still go through life with those rose tinted glasses on. To not know this pain this underlying fear. To go into the idea of growing our family, having babies, with the happy thoughts of 'I'm pregnant and our baby WILL be here in 9 months'. Instead we are forced to have this cautiously optimistic attitude. The fear of loving our babies too soon, the "What if?' factor. Life has changed my view on things when we find out we are pregnant. After the first miscarriage I thought that once we had a scan and we saw the baby I would be okay that everything would be okay. Our second baby proved that wrong, that baby stopped growing so early it never had a heartbeat. So I re-evaluated how I would deal with it next time and came up with this check list of sorts first positive hpt, then two positive blood tests from the Dr office with rising levels, then a good viability scan, then a visual heartbeat, then an audible heartbeat. This was my new check list this one would work how could I be disappointed if I stuck to this one, because the statistics say that only 1% of babies miscarry after a heartbeat is detected. Unfortunately like our first baby our third became part of this statistic.
The more times this happens the more I learn and the more I wish I knew nothing. That I could forget what the doctors tell me and to be able to not be afraid. To be able to not give up hope to not allow my faith in GOD to waiver. To keep telling myself it's not a matter of if but a matter of when. To remember to not let the fear of the unknown future effect my known present. To be able to forget everything the tech told me, everything but the best part, "The only reason that people with your condition don't have babies is because they give up. Just keep trying and one of them will work." She is the expert, forget the rest and keep with the best ... "Good, better, best. Never let it rest. 'Till your good is better and your better best."
Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust Him, and He will help you. Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for Him to act.
Psalm 37:5,7
But what about the things the come up in life that are devastating things that only one person controls our GOD the father? The events we pray never happen in our lifetime because no one deserves to experience them not even our worst enemy. For me when the events of losing babies and failed pregnancies have come up I have found a way to push through it and try again. My DH has found a way to support me love me and push through the pain as well. When our most recent baby died I opted for a natural miscarriage at home, and there he was by my side, tending to me for those long hours in the middle of the night while I had contractions. I cannot even begin to explain to you how much this meant to me for him to be there by my side ... I am blessed!
Here is my question how do you push past three miscarried babies? Five times in a little over a year I have happily gone to my DH and announced 'We are pregnant'. And five times I had to see the pain on his face as I told him the pregnancy had failed or the tech has told us there is no longer a heartbeat. I know there is hope we got our genetic testing results back and everything is great ... chromosomes GOOD, blood clotting panel GOOD, cystic fibrosis GOOD. We are good to go on that front and for that I am grateful to GOD. He has given us a chance we can do this.
Ohh how I wish we could still go through life with those rose tinted glasses on. To not know this pain this underlying fear. To go into the idea of growing our family, having babies, with the happy thoughts of 'I'm pregnant and our baby WILL be here in 9 months'. Instead we are forced to have this cautiously optimistic attitude. The fear of loving our babies too soon, the "What if?' factor. Life has changed my view on things when we find out we are pregnant. After the first miscarriage I thought that once we had a scan and we saw the baby I would be okay that everything would be okay. Our second baby proved that wrong, that baby stopped growing so early it never had a heartbeat. So I re-evaluated how I would deal with it next time and came up with this check list of sorts first positive hpt, then two positive blood tests from the Dr office with rising levels, then a good viability scan, then a visual heartbeat, then an audible heartbeat. This was my new check list this one would work how could I be disappointed if I stuck to this one, because the statistics say that only 1% of babies miscarry after a heartbeat is detected. Unfortunately like our first baby our third became part of this statistic.
The more times this happens the more I learn and the more I wish I knew nothing. That I could forget what the doctors tell me and to be able to not be afraid. To be able to not give up hope to not allow my faith in GOD to waiver. To keep telling myself it's not a matter of if but a matter of when. To remember to not let the fear of the unknown future effect my known present. To be able to forget everything the tech told me, everything but the best part, "The only reason that people with your condition don't have babies is because they give up. Just keep trying and one of them will work." She is the expert, forget the rest and keep with the best ... "Good, better, best. Never let it rest. 'Till your good is better and your better best."
Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust Him, and He will help you. Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for Him to act.
Psalm 37:5,7
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