Tuesday, November 1, 2011

It takes a Village ...

It's been a while at least 5 months since the last time I updated my blog.  I have been secretly waiting for this AHA moment that I could sit down and pour out everything that has been going on since June, but that moment has't come.  So it is time for me to put my big girl pants on and update!

In June after our last mc Dr. Y suggested we go see a specialist who would probably give us recommendations on what to do about my condition.  She, Dr. Y, was positive after the number of miscarriages that they were no longer just by chance that my body wasn't providing the proper environment for them to thrive.  Till now I really haven't gotten into my condition, it was more personal that I wanted to get on a blog.  But in all honesty I'm not sure I could get more personal than I already have so here goes ... I have a Bicornuate uterus, basically when I was inside my mommys tummy part of my uterus that was supposed to disappear didn't and since it didn't go away it left me with a heart shaped uterus.  Sounds sweet right?  Well sadly it's not so sweet the tip of the heart the part that comes down in the middle is pretty much non vascular tissue, in other words if my babies try to implant in that part they have a high risk of termination because they don't get enough blood flow.  For a long time Dr. Y was not convinced that this is why my babies were dying.  But she couldn't ignore my numbers anymore.  So off we went to Dr. K the fertility specialist.

Our initial meeting with Dr. K's staff left me feeling less than confident that they could help us.  What was a fertility specialist going to do for me someone who had had 3 miscarriages?  I don't have fertility issues, I have failed pregnancy issues.  But we figured it was best to go ahead and give it a shot and see what he had to say.  I finally got to meet Dr. K at my second meeting.  Man was he Mr. Gloom & Doom - I told him what the techs and Dr. Y had said about a bicornuate uterus and he was honest with me he does not recommend surgery to correct a bicornuate because they don't always work and can cause more bad than good.  I was devastated and for some stupid reason I felt the overwhelming need to convince the Dr. that I was worth helping.

So there I went knowing more than the Dr., the specialist at that, and blurted out - Dr. Y said the babies keep implanting on my septum (the tip part of the heart) and that they are dying because it is non vascular tissue.  Dr. K perked up "did you say septum".  Well of course I had, no clue why, but yup I sure did.  And then he said it the sweetest words I have ever heard.  "Let's get you over into another room and get an ultrasound, because if you have a septate uterus that is fixable, and we will want to fix that right away"  Holy crap I wanted to cry!  I am fixable this horrible thing that has been causing my babies to die is fixable!

I had the ultrasound and sure enough Septate Uterus!  SCORE :o)  Then I was told I would need to have blood taken this many days after this and before they talk about surgery further he wanted to do an HSG.  HSG is code for gonna hurt like hell and those 6 Advil they tell you to take is more for their comfort than yours!  TRUST ME!

A few weeks later I had the HSG and man can you talk about awkward!  So in this tiny room, 8x8 I'd say, was my DH, the nurse, Dr. K, the NP, and the OBGYN student, oh and of course me on a table.  Did I mention the air was broke and they had the heated table on?  Sociopaths I tell you!  Anyway they did the HSG and found my left tube partially blocked but Dr. K wasn't really concerned about that, everything looked good.  He left the room came back and said well if you want to do surgery lets go ahead and schedule it.  Of course my question was how soon?  What I didn't expect was for him to say "What about tomorrow"  my jaw hit the floor.  Over 1 1/2 years of trying and failure and it could all be fixed within 24 hours?  Let's just say I jumped right on that!

So on August 2, 2011 I went to University of Tennessee Medical Center for Septate Removal Surgery.  The surgery went well and he was able to remove 90% of the septate!  So awesome!  I had a follow up and another HSG about 7 weeks after the surgery to check and see how things healed.  Unfortunately part of my septum grew back.  Dr. K wasn't sure why.  My heart sank when I saw the screen, this beautiful heart showed up.  I knew it wasn't supposed to be there - so I asked him what it meant.  He was honest he really didn't expect to see any of it grow back, it wasn't something he had ever seen so I was given two options.  Have the surgery again and this time they would put a balloon type stint in to keep it from growing back and remove it at a later date. Or go ahead and try and roll the dice.  I probably would have opted for the surgery again had he not been clear that there was no guarantee that it wouldn't grow back again.    He was okay with us trying again and seemed happy for us.

So here we are two years after originally deciding to try to have children and we are at the same place still trying.  The surgery not being as successful as we had originally thought has left some fear in me.  Today was a particularly hard day for me.  I really never thought I would be here in my life praying that GOD allows us to have children.  What are our odds when/if we do get pregnant again?  I don't think the fear of loss will ever go away.  We have had far too many losses to not hold on to some fear.  I don't let it consume me anymore not like I used to, but it is still there.

As sad as I was today worrying about my situation I was devastated to find out friends lost their first baby today at 16 weeks.  I know my words will never express the pain I feel for them and how much I wish I could take their pain away.  They are good people and bad things like this should never happen to good people.  So now I will stop feeling sorry for myself and pray for those who need comfort and love.

Joshua 1:9
Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

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